there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
