She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
