So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
