Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
