I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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