He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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