i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So apparently I’m into choking now
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
