Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
