My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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