I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
