i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
