do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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