My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
