i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
