you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was born a porn star she said
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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