A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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