I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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