Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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