and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
