i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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