Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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