i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
