No stitches, just platelets and will power
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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