when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
