So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
