but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
