oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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