well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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