Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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