i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
