I have demons in me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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