she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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