If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
