hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
All I want is dick and wine.
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