Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
