Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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