She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
