Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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