I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
