Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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