I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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