So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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