I could have mohawked her pubes.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
