Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I need to align my fucking chakras
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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