the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
