i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
