i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
