So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
