I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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