Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
