my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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