She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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