So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are the jesus of drinking
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
