what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
