He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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