my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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